Women:Its not just PMS!

Women are insane. There's really no two ways about it. The entire female species is nuts. And I'm a woman so you're getting this straight from the source. You know that question asked through the epochs? What do women want? Well, let me tell you a secret. Even women don't know what the hell they want. And there is a beauty to this madness. Because as much as women torture their own souls and of the men around them, men just can't seem to get enough of them. 

They take the tiniest of things and then drive themselves completely bonkers over it. They analyze it and over analyze to the point that they even forget what the real issue was in the first place. Then they cry because well, that's what women do. And men are stupid and insensitive because they just don't understand. It's simple boys, women will cry all the time. It's how they were built; you make them happy, they'll cry;you piss them off,they'll cry,you remember their birthday,they'll cry;you forget their birthday,they'll...well you get the picture. You just can't win. 

And then there's that point where they get excited about something. Like, let's say a friend sees a really cute co-worker and develops an instantaneous crush on him. The first thing she will do is message her best friends about it who will be sitting in their own workplace and squealing with joy at: 

a) the friend having discovered a good looking male specimen because, let's face it, there are very few and we don't know where they hang out.

b) the friend has found someone she might just potentially have a relationship with and well, that's always something to squeal about 

Now, keep in mind that at this point she has only noticed the boy and the boy has probably not even seen her. Except, the messages that will follow are

" OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!! There's this really cute guy at work! Oh my God!!!! HE IS SO CUTE! Like...I want to eat him okay! What should I do? I want to talk to him? Should I talk to him? I mean I've never even said hello to him! If I talk to him he'll think I'm some lunatic chick who just wants to get into his pants! Ok! Maybe I do! Why won't he talk to me! Ugh! Why do I look so ugly today!I am so fat! I am so ugly! I need to lose weight! I'll start going to the gym again....No more JUNK FOOD! Uff he is so cute! His jaw, his face, his arms...omg his arms! Okay tell me how to go about this? Should I just go up and say hi? Oh no wait, I don't even know what he does! All these girls keep going up to him and talking to him! BITCHES SLUTS! HES MINEEE! Kia karun? What?!?! Tell me what to do? He is so cute! He probably hates me anyway. Forget it, its a lost cause. God hates me! Why does God do this to me?!?!? TELL ME WHAT TO DO? "

And I mean, I'm not even exaggerating here. 

The friends try to be consoling and supportive. But the crazy has been unleashed. The crazy can no longer be contained. 

And then when finally the two get talking, as the two almost always do, the insanity reaches magnanimous proportions.e.g

a) He messaged me at 11 and I was asleep. What kind of loser am I?! What loser goes to sleep at 11. Now what should I do? Tell me what to do? Should I reply? Should I ignore it? Isn't it rude to reply this late? But wait, its also rude not to reply!

b) Okay, so if he doesn't message at 12 on the dot, I'll just message him myself and say happy new year. Should I say happy new year with a smiley face? No wait, that will be too much. 

c) GAHHHH HE TOLD ME I SMELL NICE! WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH THAT INFORMATION?

And all that is fine, its what women do right? Obsess? Wait, the hair tearing part hasn't come yet. 

So finally, when the guy hints at maybe getting together for some coffee she reacts with

"Umm....I don't want to go out with him! I want to get to know him better!"

At this point, if you or your friend is still alive, its either because you are a really good friend or you're pumped up on so much Valium, you're seeing rainbows.

But the most amazing discussions are after the relationship begins and full-fledged dating has begun.

"He is such an asshole. He sucks. He's driving me insane. He doesn't know what I want. I love him"

My point here is, don't try to understand women.

Don't try to understand why they cry when they're happy, why they hate their best friends, why they can never have enough shoes, why they ask the "do I look fat?" question even though they clearly aren't, why everything that excites them has to be announced with a squeal,why they go crazy at the gym,then eat tons of junk food and then berate themselves for hours, why "I'm fine" never really means "I'm fine" .....the list is never ending. 

Oh. And never, ever try to blame it on PMS. Because its hardly ever PMS. Its just the crazies. 

So, let it go boys. Just, let it go.

PS: If you know where all the good looking men of this country are; maybe if they have some secret club and we could have the address? Thanks. 

Live Free or Get Married

I could have a PhD in Astrophysics. 

I could be the country's most successful neurosurgeon.

I could become a medical malpractice lawyer or a maxillofacial surgeon. 

I could have been the CEO of one the world's most powerful organizations. 

I could be busy arbitrating peace in the Middle East as a UN Negotiator. 

I could be the first woman to discover life on another planet.

I could be the President of the country. 

Not a damn would be given, no sirree. 

None of this would really matter to my parents unless I was a boy.

Or married. 

When my younger brother was born, my grandmother told me that the first thing my mom asked, groggy from the drugs, was the sex of the baby. When she heard it was a boy, she groaned out a "thank God" and fell asleep.

I wonder what she thought when I was born. Probably something along the lines of "Oh shit! Oh well! Now we need to find her a boy."

I know it sounds harsh to have that view of my parents. I love my parents and I'm pretty sure they love me. I know they want me to be happy. Its just, our ideas of happiness are polar opposites at the moment.   

But I know now, after my last great showdown with my mother, that she and I will only find peace with each other when I tie the knot and then provide her with twenty grandchildren or so. 

Now how do I say this politely?

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. 

These Beautiful Women, Lost Under The Stars

In the 25 years of my life, I have met some extremely fascinating women. Women with assiduous levels of strength and courage. Women who wage daily wars with their worlds; who have still made something of themselves despite being bound by an almost draconian society that seems to leave almost all of us suffocated by its orthodox ideology.

So today, I want to give these women a tribute. I want them to know how much I appreciate them, how much I am inspired by their lives, how much I wish to have the same grace and dignity with which they handle all their struggles and just how plain grateful I am for the comfort and support I find within them. So this one goes as a shout out to them and all those women world over who have found themselves in a similar place, but are yet to be broken down.

To Nasreen, Fatima, Shama and Shakeela: Women who have shown me the meaning of unconditional love and support and have taught me what family really means. They have given up their careers to build and raise the family of which I am so proud to be a part of and for which, no matter how many times I tell them I love them, it will never be enough. From these women, I have learnt what it means to make sacrifices for the ones you love, I have learnt respect and I have learnt how important it is to be a better person. I have seen their families bring them down, push them around and take them for granted and I have seen them do nothing, but give more love in return. They have taught me to have the courage to pursue my dreams no matter what stage of life I am in and to never give up on the ones you love. From them, I have learnt how to carry on even though never appreciated, to hope no matter how horrible the circumstance,  to keep on living even when everything seems to have been taken away from you and to leave what you have called home all your life and start over new in a place completely alien.

To Sahar: The sister, the best friend, the confidante, the tutor, the money lender, the stuff bringer, the feeder and over all evil genius. The one in whose lap I have cried for hours about my broken heart. The one who has seen me fail and fall countless times, but who never gave up on me. The one who I have watched suffer through intense trauma and tragedy, who has battled with depression and bipolar and who has known her own various heartbreaks which might leave many with a colder heart or a broken spirit, but she has only emerged with a bigger heart than I thought was possible. She has taught me how to be kind to strangers and forgiving to the most horrid of transgressions. She is, more often than not, my voice of wisdom. From her I have learnt what hard work really means. Truly, she is one of the most amazing women I know.

To my very own Amy Lee*: I hate to admit it, but when I first met her, she came across as someone with a one tracked mind; the kind that starts at clothes, ends at shoes and thinks of make-up in between. I've never been more wrong. She is this amazingly talented and really witty person who is a great writer, artist, singer and photographer. She has so much going for her, if only she realized it. She went through a few years of an abusive relationship and she bore it all without a soul knowing what was happening. Unlike others I have known, she didn't let it affect the way she dealt with other people around her. She was always cheerful and lively, making everyone around her laugh and have a good time. And even when things fell apart, other than her closest friends, she has never bad mouthed the guy nor bitched about him in anyway. She has taught me how important it is to put your problems aside and not let your issues ruin other people's day, that it is essential to be the bigger person in the relationship, not to give in to your baser instincts to try and destroy the other person and just try your best to carry on with the little pride you have left.

To Azeelia: Even though she recently became a part of our family, it feels like I have known her forever. She just recently lost a baby, but her morale and courage and the brave face she put up when most people would just give up on everything deserves a standing ovation. Each day that I meet her, she instills in me a whole new spirit of hope and faith. My problems are minute compared to hers and yet, she has accepted them with humbleness and dignity and dealt with them with far more grace and character than I have. I've learnt from her not to question God each time something goes wrong and sometimes, to trust Him and the way He plays the cards even if sometimes, it feels like He's cheating. And I want to thank her for not letting my faith go to hell.

To Samia: I haven't known her for so long, but from her I've learnt that broken homes don't always result in damaged children. Even though she's seen her parents go through an awful divorce, she has turned out to be a strong and stable person, not letting her circumstances influence who she became and how she lived her life.  She went to medical college and is now a doctor. She's one of the more down to earth and level headed people I know. Her story makes me realize that who you become is in your hands alone. No matter how dysfunctional your family and no matter how messed up the people around you, you alone are the molder of your character and your life and it is in your hands to make or break yourself.

To Maera: One of my best friends; crazy to the core. Although I've only known her for four years, it seems like a lifetime. She brought into my life a whole other level of friendship, love and of course the drama that comes with these things. I have watched her struggle with relationships and career choices and am often left  bewildered with the fire and spirit with which she lives her life and deals with her issues. With her, I have learnt not to take things too seriously and  how important it is to let go and just have some fun. She is this sexy, spirited, funny and crazy person who has made life a lot more bearable and pleasant.

And To Hani: Hani very recently came into my life, but left quite an impression. Her life has been, to say the least, chaotic. She's been through two divorces and in a society such as ours, that is seen as a major "humiliation". For her, everyday is a battle between doing what makes her happy and whats "right". She refused to stay in a marriage that didn't make her happy even though the world seemed to stand against her. She has built herself as a credible and respected individual in her field. From her, I have realized that it is important to have dreams, to be yourself no matter how scandalous that might be for others, to fight for what makes you happy and what you want, to not let the world's image of you bother you in anyway, to never let anyone try and change you just because it suits them and to be a successful individual in your own right.  She is a woman of mettle and I admire her for the battles she fights everyday.

If you know even one woman like the ones I have mentioned above, consider yourself lucky for you have a support system that is so powerful and unfailing, you can never lose your way.

The Bag Of Life

Sarah Jessica Parker once said in Sex and the City: "Balls are to men what purses are to women. Its just a little bag, but we feel naked in public without it"

I couldn't agree with it more. And I think my friend Erum* probably lives by it.

Let's start at the beginning. Considering the more morbid pieces I have written, I asked this other friend Reema*, to give me something interesting to write about. She told me to empty out Erum's bag and write about the stuff inside. Yes, that is how fascinating Erum's bag can be. We call it the "Bag of life." It got its name in college when  you could ask for almost anything (I really mean anything) and the bag would provide. Sort of like the Room of Requirement in Harry Potter. You think I'm exaggerating? Once, we were hanging out in our room and I was feeling hungry. I was rummaging in her bag looking for some biscuits or some sort of junk to eat and lo and behold. I actually found an egg, hard boiled and all. It was one of the most shocking moments of my young existence. This really was the bag of life. I have never doubted its power since. We took the egg, put some make up on her and named her Jubeda. I know some of you will think its disrespecting food, but I couldn't give a flying fuck about that.

Jubeda: One of the many Miracles of The Bag

Whether we ate Jubeda afterwards is something I'll leave to my readers imagination. 

Anyway, back to the real topic. So I emptied out Erum's bag. Part of me dreaded it; what if I found something I didn't really want to? A bag of coke? A loaded pistol? The rotting corpse of some man who had once wronged her?

With great courage I started to take everything out. And here is what I found:

Three different perfumes; probably one for each time of the day.

A wooden hairbrush which is almost a decade old and contains the hair of several women (anyone want to frame someone for a murder?)

A notebook with a list of all the people she wants to kill and the different ways she plans to do it.

Tissue papers with love notes from her many different suitors.

Every type of make up imaginable so no one ever has to know what she really looks like.

A bottle of lotion from BodyShop; so no one ever has to know how long it has been since she took a bath. 

A wallet with all kinds of atm/debit cards, cash etc for any unplanned and quick getaways.

Tons of Naz pan masala packets to freshen up her breath. 

Jewellery; to wear. 

A brown bag with something suspicious inside which she wouldn't let me open (I think its poison)

Lipbalm; for any unexpected kissing sessions. Also to be used when lips are dry.

Handsanitizer; I'll leave that to your imagination.

Pills; to keep her crazy self at bay.

Sunglasses; I'm guessing its either for x-ray vision to ensure the man's worth the lame jokes he's cracking or for really sunny days. Probably both. 

Headphones; whenever she wants to listen to music, she can just pop them in her ear.

There was also some stuff that I can't mention here. I have been forbidden. 

So there you go. I emptied out the Bag of Life. No corpses, no illegal drugs, no man of my dreams and certainly no answers to life. But the next time that men ever wonder what the hell women have in those huge bags they're carrying around, at least they'll have some idea. 

*Names have been changed for obvious reasons

Some of the things mentioned in this blog are fictional while some are absolutely true. It's up to you to figure out what. (Does not apply to the egg)

Its The Worst Darn Stuff I've Ever Seen; I Like It.

Today, I went out with a friend to buy smokes and the shop owner looked at us like we'd just told him we had a penis or something. Yes, I said penis. I, a woman from the so called Islamic Republic of Pakistan, knows what a penis is. 

Who are you trying to fool?

You know what? I also know all about the birds and the bees. 

So what's the big deal? We asked for cigarettes, not a lap dance. I hate this society with its double standards of what is acceptable for men and women and what is not. I'm not saying men and women are exactly the same (and thank God for that). But there are some things you just can't tell me I can't do just because I'm a woman. And this country of pseudomaulvis who think they've got it all figured out and will read ayats from the Quran thinking, "I'll just bullshit stuff out of my ass. So what if I don't even understand Arabic."

And I doubt that there is a single ayat from the Quran which specifically states that women shouldn't smoke. Or that women who do smoke are morally corrupt. What does that even mean? Do men who smoke behave differently from women who do it? If men smoke, they'll still have rainbows coming out of their behinds, but women will probably smoke their way into some poor, unsuspecting man's bed?

This society needs some serious reassessment of its moral codes.

And while we wait for that to happen, how about that ciggy eh?