Don't dream, when you can't make it real. They're only fictions anyway - Moddi, A Sense of Grey

Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance, in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance, when you're perfectly free - Rumi

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Dec 3, 2011

The Truth Shall Chew You Up And Spit You Out

Received some new information about something you're trying to forget.

Initial emotions: Anger. Anger. Pain. Anger. A moment of silence. More anger. Just plain fucking pissed off. Sadness. Self pity. (repeat)

Reaction: Curse (preferably in Urdu), kick the door, open the door and slam repeatedly, fill a glass with water and throw it in the air, pick up beanbag and throw it across the wall, get irritated because it's too heavy, kick beanbag instead, cry, cry, cry more, question the higher powers, hide under covers,burn your lungs, cry. BBM friend about your misery and force them to tell you how awesome you are. Feel better. 

Take a break: eat an entire box of ferreros. Down the coke(imagine its an intoxicant). Stumble down the stairs as though really intoxicated. Investigate the refrigerator for more comfort food. Grab box of galaxies. Get new box of tissues. Go to mom's room. Find it empty,but find comfort in it anyway. Avoid looking at self in the mirror. Can't resist so look at self in the mirror and feel pathetic. Curse. Go back to the room and lie on the bed.

Break over. Converse with God. No answers there. Try to bribe with galaxies. Still no answers. Empty out the box. Give up. Get back in bed. Cry, but not sure whether its from pain in the stomach or just plain heart ache.

Stop all thoughts.
Replay entire year in the head. Question every word spoken, every effort made, every step taken in light of new information.
Stop.
Forget everything everyone tells you.
Listen to your heart.
Find the truth within.
Accept the truth.
Move.the.fuck.on
Cry some more.
Move.The.Fuck.On

7 comments:

  1. Very well written. I'm hoping I was the friend you bbm-ed?

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  2. There is a saying we have in the Southern part of the U.S...."Bless your heart." It's said when you don't know what to say but want to say something, anything, to let that person know you care. So, from me...bless your heart.

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  3. Thank you :) Keep me in your prayers!

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  4. been there. it gets better, because u find out eventually that ur better off

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  5. I've got my fingers crossed.

    ReplyDelete