Its The Worst Darn Stuff I've Ever Seen; I Like It.

Today, I went out with a friend to buy smokes and the shop owner looked at us like we'd just told him we had a penis or something. Yes, I said penis. I, a woman from the so called Islamic Republic of Pakistan, knows what a penis is. 

Who are you trying to fool?

You know what? I also know all about the birds and the bees. 

So what's the big deal? We asked for cigarettes, not a lap dance. I hate this society with its double standards of what is acceptable for men and women and what is not. I'm not saying men and women are exactly the same (and thank God for that). But there are some things you just can't tell me I can't do just because I'm a woman. And this country of pseudomaulvis who think they've got it all figured out and will read ayats from the Quran thinking, "I'll just bullshit stuff out of my ass. So what if I don't even understand Arabic."

And I doubt that there is a single ayat from the Quran which specifically states that women shouldn't smoke. Or that women who do smoke are morally corrupt. What does that even mean? Do men who smoke behave differently from women who do it? If men smoke, they'll still have rainbows coming out of their behinds, but women will probably smoke their way into some poor, unsuspecting man's bed?

This society needs some serious reassessment of its moral codes.

And while we wait for that to happen, how about that ciggy eh?

And You Gotta Love Your Way Of Life

There is a certain numbness of the heart that follows. You don't want to remember and you certainly don't want to care. You can almost feel your brain cells working to distract you and you follow mechanically whatever it tells you to do. It is exhausting, mentally and physically. It's almost like a drug, intoxicating you so completely that you think nothing and you feel nothing. And somewhere in the deep recesses of your mind, you know you shouldn't ignore everything. It will never go away. It will wait, like the monsters in the cupboards of your childhood. And when it resurfaces, the damage will be worse. 

You have to let everything play in your head, all that was said and all that was done. Every lie, every broken promise, every shattered dream, every word that made you feel worthless; all the anger and the resentment; you've got to face it and then you've got to let it go. You need to crash and burn so that you can rise from the ashes, pure as the day you came into this Godforsaken world.

Khambay Jaisi Khari Hai

Today, when I was coming home from school I got really excited and felt happy for the first time in days. The reason for my nauseating, mind numbing joy?

That's right people. They're finally installing lampposts on the streets outside our house. Now, we no longer have to switch on our headlights at insane levels blinding pedestrians and other drivers alike. If only they would actually install the light bulbs, then we would be good to go. No worries, we've put up the post, now we wait for God to do the rest!

DMCs

Last Sunday was an interesting day. It started of as most Sundays have been for the past two months. I woke up crying, but then again what woman doesn't? We just have different days of the week for them. 

So anyway, I woke up crying, wallowing in self pity over how my life sucks and shit isn't going my way and I never, ever get what I want and no man will ever love me and I'll never have what Brad and Angelina have (money, power, money).

After a more severe break down than usual owing to the recent break up, I dressed as only a recently broken up girl should be, unwashed jeans from the laundry and an old shirt, hair not brushed and makeup-less face. 

My friend, Asim, picked me up and lo and behold. He actually got off the car when I walked out. If there's anything we need to learn from the Brits, its how to treat a woman. He was opening doors and waiting for me to walk in first everywhere we went. I felt like a princess.

I was actually expecting a very low key day. No serious talks, no meaning of life discussions. I've been having those with myself a lot lately. Besides, everyone knows the meaning of life is 42. Or, as an anonymous friend likes to say, 69. 

However, the stove didn't work as is the way of life in third world countries. You're hungry and you can either afford the food or the gas. As a nation, we take Dorothy Parker's quote very much to hear. "Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves."

Gas Be Damned

 So what else was there, but to heat up some leftover pizza and talk about the meaning of life or as Asim calls them, Deep Meaningful Conversations. Its that kind of a house you know, with bay windows and balconies looking out to the ocean. How can one talk about anything except life issues. It will also be a very good place to have a party and get down and dirty.

I can't really mention what discussion took place. I believe that would be an invasion of privacy and even though we, as a nation, don't understand the concept of privacy I think I should keep my mouth shut. I guess I should be grateful. Not only did I get free chicken and pasta (how can I not appreciate free food) I also got a lot of perspective on things as a whole. 

a) Life sucks for everyone, even for those delusional people who think it doesn't

b) Things could be worse. I could have been married to a crack head. 

c) Even break up me is pretty damn good looking

Never Looked Better

d) Always check your stove before inviting people over for lunch

e) When you move into a new house, always buy a dustpan when you're going to have clumsy people over for lunch. 

f) Nothing is more beautiful and peaceful than a sun setting over the beach. 

g) Everyone, even the people you think who have it all figured out, have broken hearts and crushed dreams and we are all just looking for a way out.

h) People sometimes do the right things and bust their asses for all the wrong damn reasons.

I just stopped for half an hour to have some rice and daal (lentil soup) and have totally lost focus now. So I'm going to call it a day. 

For all the women out there, don't put all your eggs in one bastard.

For all you men, what's it matter. You're probably thinking of Uncle jack anyway. 

Just Like Tomorrow

I want to forgive, but hating is easier. 

The wound is still fresh. Every memory that comes back to haunt me cuts deeper, not letting it heal. 

I want to let go, but it consumes me like an intoxicant till I think of nothing, but the lies and the broken promises. 

I don't want to be this person. The kind that is defined by the actions of another. I have fought my past for so long; I have never let it mould me. But this time I feel too weak to fight back. I just want to give in and let myself crash and burn. 

Psychotics

Searching for divorce rights in the US? What the fuck?! Can you spell pride or self esteem or grow some balls? 

To No One And Everyone.

I wish you to always have friends to share your laughter, your troubles and your victories. That you never have to wake up with the pain of losing people you love, losing something amazing you had to the cruelty of having to make a choice. I wish that you find the calm and hope and the ability to still love when everything seems cold and heartless.
I wish that you never have to walk into a room and be flooded with memories of the times that were but will never be again.
I wish you to always be the one controlling the situation and not the other way around.
I wish that you never have to give medicines to your grandmother for dementia.
I wish that you never have to come back from a beautiful day at the beach and get a phone call that your father fell of the roof and broke both his feet. I wish that if you do, it's only that he broke his feet.
I wish that you never get your heart broken and watch a piece of it being taken away.
I wish that you never have to hear gunshots from your neighbours house which is being robbed.
I wish that you never have to walk behind your father with a knife to protect yourself while he makes sure that the robbers haven't used your house to hide.
I wish that you never get a message from your brother telling you that the stray cat youve fallen in love with came under the car tyres.
I wish you didn't have to watch a student in your class suffer because his parents refuse to admit theres something seriously unstable about him.
I wish you never have to watch someone being the only person in the class not get invited to a birthday party
I wish that you never have to go through old pictures and feel the pain of loss.
I wish that you are never made to feel ashamed for what you love to do just because it's not something as "awesome" as being a doctor or a CEO.
I wish that you find something that you love to do.
I wish you the ability to know whose worth keeping.
I wish you never have to throw away dear old shoes because the soles were worn out.
I wish that you never give your parents a reason to feel ashamed to have you as a child.
I wish that you never have to wake up with a broken heart just because of your faith, your religion.
I wish that you never have to meet people who live such unbelievably immoral lives and know in your heart that this is exactly what you would do were you given the chance.
I wish that you have a car song with your friends.
I wish that you know the joy of dancing in a room full of mirrors and people watching and judging you and yet not have a care in the world.
I wish that you know the fun behind a spontaneous plan to a random amusement park for a friends birthday.
I wish that you find the place in which and the people with whom you will always belong.
I wish you the blessing of a strong, united family.
I wish you to have the wisdom to understand your roots and why you are the way you are.
I wish that you come from a family that got ostracized for standing up for the right thing and the pride that comes with it.
I wish that you meet someone who may be as far away as Boston but still finds the time to hear out your miseries even if they might be in law school and having a tough time themselves.
I wish that you find a person who introduces you to a whole new world filled with beautiful music and can capture life in a camera. And that you are their favourite subject.
I wish you to meet someone who tests the limits of your patience and with whom you are able to understand the concept of unconditional love.
I wish that you find two crazy, messed up friends whose lives are full of drama and with them you see what they mean when they say"cant live with, cant live without".
I wish that you get a grandfather who shows his love to you by stuffing you with fruit and a grandmother who will wake up at two am to make you an omlette.
I wish that you have an aunt who makes the best tea in the world. Literally.
I wish that you have a younger brother who fascinates you with his maturity and his sense of responsibilty.
I wish that you have an even younger brother who has an amazing sense of humour, who thinks life should be spent playing video games full of blood and gore and yet will sit with you to paint flower stencils on envelopes.
I wish that you find a Sahar who has never, ever let you down. Who has watched you mess up, make horrible decisions, seen the worst side of you and whose love has NEVER wavered.
I wish you a Rida with whom you can whine about anything and everything and never feel the need to shut her up, who gets you excited about everything in life, who takes you to the dance floor when everyone else is walking off it, who freaks out after eating one measly slice of cake and who is your bitching buddy forever.
I wish you a love, hate relationship with your college.
I wish you randomness
I wish you to have a father who thinks 11 pm is too late even when you are 23 and screams at you if you break the curfew by ten minutes. And then shows you the games on his ipod like a little boy.
I wish you a mother who has, after so long, has finally found the time to do something for herself.
I wish you tiny, little nieces and nephews with curly hair and the inability to pronounce ch.
I wish you all good things and that no matter what happens, to believe in yourself and move on.