The Bag Of Life

Sarah Jessica Parker once said in Sex and the City: "Balls are to men what purses are to women. Its just a little bag, but we feel naked in public without it"

I couldn't agree with it more. And I think my friend Erum* probably lives by it.

Let's start at the beginning. Considering the more morbid pieces I have written, I asked this other friend Reema*, to give me something interesting to write about. She told me to empty out Erum's bag and write about the stuff inside. Yes, that is how fascinating Erum's bag can be. We call it the "Bag of life." It got its name in college when  you could ask for almost anything (I really mean anything) and the bag would provide. Sort of like the Room of Requirement in Harry Potter. You think I'm exaggerating? Once, we were hanging out in our room and I was feeling hungry. I was rummaging in her bag looking for some biscuits or some sort of junk to eat and lo and behold. I actually found an egg, hard boiled and all. It was one of the most shocking moments of my young existence. This really was the bag of life. I have never doubted its power since. We took the egg, put some make up on her and named her Jubeda. I know some of you will think its disrespecting food, but I couldn't give a flying fuck about that.

Jubeda: One of the many Miracles of The Bag

Whether we ate Jubeda afterwards is something I'll leave to my readers imagination. 

Anyway, back to the real topic. So I emptied out Erum's bag. Part of me dreaded it; what if I found something I didn't really want to? A bag of coke? A loaded pistol? The rotting corpse of some man who had once wronged her?

With great courage I started to take everything out. And here is what I found:

Three different perfumes; probably one for each time of the day.

A wooden hairbrush which is almost a decade old and contains the hair of several women (anyone want to frame someone for a murder?)

A notebook with a list of all the people she wants to kill and the different ways she plans to do it.

Tissue papers with love notes from her many different suitors.

Every type of make up imaginable so no one ever has to know what she really looks like.

A bottle of lotion from BodyShop; so no one ever has to know how long it has been since she took a bath. 

A wallet with all kinds of atm/debit cards, cash etc for any unplanned and quick getaways.

Tons of Naz pan masala packets to freshen up her breath. 

Jewellery; to wear. 

A brown bag with something suspicious inside which she wouldn't let me open (I think its poison)

Lipbalm; for any unexpected kissing sessions. Also to be used when lips are dry.

Handsanitizer; I'll leave that to your imagination.

Pills; to keep her crazy self at bay.

Sunglasses; I'm guessing its either for x-ray vision to ensure the man's worth the lame jokes he's cracking or for really sunny days. Probably both. 

Headphones; whenever she wants to listen to music, she can just pop them in her ear.

There was also some stuff that I can't mention here. I have been forbidden. 

So there you go. I emptied out the Bag of Life. No corpses, no illegal drugs, no man of my dreams and certainly no answers to life. But the next time that men ever wonder what the hell women have in those huge bags they're carrying around, at least they'll have some idea. 

*Names have been changed for obvious reasons

Some of the things mentioned in this blog are fictional while some are absolutely true. It's up to you to figure out what. (Does not apply to the egg)