Poor Empty Pants, With Nobody Inside Them

You just got dumped. Most of us have at some point of our lives somewhere by someone we thought was the boy/girl of our twisted dreams. If you've been doing most of the dumping, then bitch, there is such a thing as karma and it's just waiting for you to lower your guard down. 

Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh. Sometimes, things just don't work out. Whatever! 

I don't know how many of you have ever read those gazillion articles on Google about break ups and the different stages people normally go through after them, but boy are they toned down. I mean, yea sure some of what they say is correct, but the mild manner and indifference with which they describe our situation is downright insulting, to say the least. Hence, I decided to do a piece on what actually happens when the "love of your life" crushes you like a smoker does his cigarette after he's sucked it dry. Or she (don't want to be called a sexist).

Anyway, prepare yourselves. Please, consider the fact that you might not be able to handle the truth. If that is so, stop now, turn away and never look back. Otherwise, let's get on with this. 

Stage 1: 

Denial

 So the bandage just got ripped. Right now you're just reeling from the bloody shock of it all. You can't believe that when they said forever they actually just meant a few months or years and you were stupid enough to fall for that crap in the first place. You're sort of in a zombie like state; walking around with those big, horror filled eyes and are totally numb. You don't understand what happened, sort of like walking into a pole that you absolutely did not see and before the pain hits, there is just total darkness. You have difficulty accepting that the relationship is over. The intensity of this stage depends on your expectancy of an ensuing break up and your level of commitment to the relationship. It will probably last you a day to maybe even a couple of months depending on how good you are at the whole denial thing. 

Stage 2: This is when the shit really hits the fan. You finally realize what has happened and you can do one of two things: 

• You turn to alcohol or drugs or some form of narcotics that will fool you into thinking that everything's alright. Or
• You have an emotional breakdown. You curl up in a fetal position on your bed and cry till you pass out. You wake up dazed wondering what the hell happened and when it comes back to you, you cry till you pass out again. Repeat. I'd recommend that you avoid watching any television channels or listen to any music that in anyway reminds you of your loss. I think the Baby Channel is quite safe (tried and tested). Also, consider stocking up on ice cream, chocolates and dozens of tissue boxes.

As regards drinking yourself into oblivion, don't do it. You're very likely to end up like this

or

In either case, nothing to be proud of. Also, you'll  fuck up your liver and no one is really worth that much trouble. Don't do drugs either, I've heard some pretty bad things about them too. 

Regarding the second situation, any prospective heart breakers should consider cutting the cord on a Friday so that the dumpee can utilize the weekend to have their breakdown. I mean, isn't it insensitive enough that you break their heart, you want them to lose their jobs too? 

Stage 3: This is your "What the fuck, that bitch/bastard!" stage. You feel magnanimous amounts of anger at the asshole who ruined your life. You're always thinking of ways to get back at them. Don't hold back, but don't kill them either. You don't want them to know the power they have over you. That's pretty self destructive and you don't want them to think they made the right choice by walking away. Find healthier ways to let it out such as burning their pictures and everything they ever gave you. If they have their stuff lying around, burn that too. There are also other ways such as putting up their picture in your room and throwing darts at it, egging their house or car, posting pictures of them all over the neighbourhood advertising sexual services. I wouldn't recommend voodoo; if you go that far then you should stop and think that maybe the problem in the relationship was your crazy ass. 

Alternatives to egging the car

Stage 4. You reach this point once you've let out all your pent up anger. Now you only feel sad and alone. You feel the magnitude of your loss and its a pretty dark place because you're devoid of all hope of ever finding love and happiness again. This is the time to take sometime off from the world and be by yourself. Many people will try to take advantage of this vulnerable state of yours. And you'll probably let them because you'll fool yourself into believing that those feelings are real. They're not.  Don't fall into that trap. Making out with random people is also not a solution. If you see yourself going down that path, buy a blowup doll. Fortunately, the business world has taken notice and decided to take advantage of the situation. 

For the ladies

And for the men

Stage 5. Once you're past the whole "I'm so lonely" stage, take a sigh of relief. The worst is now over. You're finally reached the point where you don't need or want your ex around anymore. Its time to put that blow up doll away; that is if its survived stage 4 with you. 

Stage 6. Basically, you're sane enough now to enter the real world and meet actual people. You understand that your break up certainly wasn't the end of the world and the world didn't stop for your suffering. You  reconnect with the world and the people you care about (this does not apply to your ex). You find joy in the things you used to do. You don't feel the need to look like shit anymore. Basically, you're moving on.

Stage 7. Hallelujah my friend. Take out that "Single and ready to mingle" shirt and wear it loud and proud.